kamipilled

It's the morning after. I'm at work, set up the bar and everything. Found myself yearning for a girlfriend so I could cook for her last night./ WWhoever it may be. Very malewife of me. On break now, I've spent the whole shift blowing off work to text SK, something I haven't done fopr a girl since Ket, I reckon. I wonder how this will play out. I'll be back to work soon. Sucks. I'd quit if I had another option, not that I have the same vitriol I once had for work, I would just rather be home. It's so fucking hot specifically on the bar, I'm in my hoodie in the staff room right now and I'm quite comfy, so I don't know what the fuck is happening.

Short one today I know but nothing is happening or changing in my life so I don't really have thoughts to write about.

Haven't written in a bit again. Originally this started out for negative reasons, burn out, stress, lethargy, you name it. But I've turned over a new leaf now! It came from work ironically. When coffee chats went live I originally wrote a long list with all my problems at work in it., until I realized I just don't give a fuck. Like at all. I'm just gonna be myself, do what I want, say what I want, and feel how I want. I've given up on Watermelon, realistically it was never meant to be. That's fine, we wouldn't make a good pair anyway. I'm not obsessed with her. I'm very normal-pilled. But I've reconnected with SK a bit and much the same as I did from the minute I met her, I quite fancy her. She has a boyfriend so again, not meant to be. But again, that's okay.

I was out with her last night. She messaged me while I was still at work asking if I was going out, so naturally I went. When I just got there, she said she was going out for a smoke, to which I was sorta like "okay have fun?" but BMW was like "Bro go with her" which confused me. I tried to say like "Dude she has a boyfriend nothing is going to happen" But he reiterated "I was talking to her one on one bro trust me" So I did, and we spent the entire night sat next to each other, despite her best friend (fucking named [same name as Her]) being there the whole time. So who's to say. I might ask BMW in person what he meant but I really don't care that much.

I didn't write at all yesterday. It was a nice day however. I spent the entire day alone, which seems to be a requirement for me to have a nice day anymore. Opened the bar today. ____ was manager which is nice. Even though I've fucked up with him as manager before, he never seems to treat me like an idiot. I wrote a note today telling Watermelon how I feel and then promptly crumpled it up. At this rate I'll never tell her how I feel. Her has been on the mind a lot more than usual today. I reckon she doesn't think about me anymore. That's fine I guess. I want her to be happy, and it it can't be with me, then it's okay for it to be someone and somewhere else.

It's really fucking hot today. 31 degrees. I wish I could just disappear. I'm too much of a bitch to kill myself but I don't want to be me anymore. As much as I'm afraid of losing my mind, I reckon I'd be happier if I was braindead. They say the smarter someone is the sadder they are. If this is the case how can I feel so sad while being so fucking retarded.

Awake again. It's still the ninth, I'm working again later. 6pm to close. It seems like a strange shift. Complaints is rota'd in for one minute. There's someone named ______ in on bar for an hour before I get in and then switches to games master. F1 is in til 10pm and I'm closing with Morgan, which is probably my favourite person on floor. So That's something to look forward to. I came to the realization recently that I only feel happy when I'm alone anymore. That's concerning. I'm really hungry so I'm going to see if there's food in the flat. Not really. I'm having a bowl of frosted flakes with milk that is a day out of date. Oh well. It was actually pretty tasty. usually I don't even think of consuming milk when it's past it's expiry date. I guess it's due to growing up very poor. I don't talk to anyone about my childhood, the only person in the UK i've ever trusted with it is Her, because she made me cry by triggering some form of repressed trauma. I should be getting ready for work right now. Coffee chats are live, I'm sure they're going to ask me about how I feel at work. I don't want to. I don't want to talk to anyone about how I feel. Other than Her. This is the only place I feel comfortable to be me.

[there's a doodle of a cat's face here] I used to draw this cat everywhere when I was younger. It feels like a part of who I am in a weird way. I haven't done much physical writing and drawing in a really long time so right now this is going to mostly be walls of text. That will change eventually I'm sure. I made a storage room and nether portal in minecraft today. Playing that game has been bringing me solace recently. Yesterday Two asked me if I have any plans for life, it was a hard question to answer.

I made it into work, today was fucked. The worst part is I can't say a single one of my complaints in my coffee chat. It'll just be seen as classic complaining shithead KAMI. I need to get a new job. I'd go back to the Dive, but I know it wouldn't be the same. Oh well, at least I still have some friends here. I'm having a drink with Lion and Amber. It's cool they're still nice to me, especially after I self isolated for 4 months. It's also ____ from Mowgli's birthday, not that I really know that lot. I'm done writing for now. Maybe more when I get home.

I can't sleep, I never do anymore. I've been thinking about the way I act and walk and talk at work. When I first get in every morning and evening, I feel like it's the emost real me. And then when I'm at work for longer I become more social and "normal", but then that doesn't feel like me. So who is me? What constitutes my being? Is the social me normal and I'm disassociating from my true self when I first wake up? Or is it the opposite? Am I who I really am at home and when I first get to work and the social me is just a facade I put on for the contentment of others.

I just spent about an hour clicking around HOME in a trance on google streetview. I like to imagine that life in Canada and my home and the people I know and the places I used to go will all be the same if I went back. Like it's a time capsule that is perfectly preserved all for me. But I know that's not the case. I know that everything that once was is gone and it's never coming back. That hurts a lot. I'll never get to be that version of me, and live that life, ever again. It's just gone. Skating up the road to see Misa when she finished work at the dead of night. Walking down to the jump with Kev. Just exploring with W. All of it is never coming back.

I really should just fucking kill myself.

To start, this entry and the next few that will be above it are directly rewritten from my physical diary, so the context might be a bit missing but I'd like this site and that to be essentially one in the same. It's easier to write on the go and then update while I'm here at my computer. Anywho.

My brain is kinda fucked. Not sure why, it just sorta is. I don't know when it ended up this way but fuck me it is. There's a part of me that believes none of this is real. I cried today thinking about that concept, specifically because of how it correlates to my mum. For a whilee she hasn't felt like mum. Like, when around other people, I feel like I can just sense who they are. I've always been able to do so. Whether this be a unique experience to me due to whatever etherial force has guided my cursed luck throughout my life, and given me the ability to perform scarily accurate tarot readings, or if it's a purely human experience that I'm experiencing (wow poetic, experiencing and experience.) Who's to say? But in spite of all this, yeah. Mum doesn't feel like Mum.

I wonder if I died, covid in 2020? Hit by a fucking car in 2018? (Maybe 2017, that part of my life blurs together because of brain trauma I guess.) Again, who's to say. There's stuff I've experienced since both of those dates that in retrospect don't feel real. Especially if I compare them too the concept of none of this being real. There's a lot of things that feel like references or my brain's interpretation of things that I've done, places I've been, and people I've met. Not to mention the experiences I've had with people I met when I was sure I was real? Like dating Binx, or how Maverick feels like what Godfather all grown up would be, or fuck even just being back in the UK. That one really doesn't feel real to be honest. I wish if this is hell or heaven or purgatory, or even a coma, my brain would make an english version of Kevin for me. I'm so fucking alone. She didn't feel like anyone I know or knew. So, not sure there. Watermelon could be anyone from highschool really. I think she's fucking Brontosaurus now. That's pretty fucking awesome man, just so cool. Fuck sakes.

[the page has various doodles of deltarune and undertale characters/designs] If it isn't obvious, I just played deltarune chapter 3 yesterday. I feel like it's impacting my mental stability. Sorta? At least I cry now, as opposed to being numb.

I had a good day today, suprisingly. Worked again and got absolutely fucking dicked but it was managable. I reckon I should address the elephant in the room. Brontosaurus, you know who you are, you're the only person I know IRL that I've given the link to this site to directly, as opposed to it just being in my discord bio or something (not even Gym, you know who Gym is realistically). If you do happen to read this and any of the other entries, please do not judge me. I appreciate the fact you've always been real kind to me, it means a lot more than I'm sure I can put into words. I appreciate you drinking with me tonight, getting to just sorta vibe with someone without having to worry about how I'm appearing to them is a real nice fucking change of pace to the past 8 months of social interaction since I joined this bar.

Anyway, back on track. I had a nice day today. Work was cringe but nobody was actively horrible to me so that's a change for the better. I'm quite intoxicated while I write this as I haven't gone out much recently. I've left myself a message in my phones notes to tell Watermelon who I feel about her, the jury is out on whether or not I'll follow my own advice on that one but we'll see how it goes. I wonder sometimes if I have dissasociative identity disorder. I don't think I do but sometiimes it truly feels like there's a different person behind the wheel than normal and IDK if that's a universal experience or not. I wish I could live life through someone else's existence to get a grasp on what's a regular experience and what's fucked mental health. Although I'm sure this, all of this, the whole being me and everything I do in that process, isn't great for me. Oh well.

Not much going on in my life that's different from the last entry. Given how bad things have been recently mentally, I'm sure I'll get sober and be rough again but IDK! I don't want to give up on life really, I'd like for things to just work out. Whether or not they will is sort of up in the air. I'm done putting major effort into making life a liveable state, god knows how much time and effort I've put into doing that. I'm just sorta generically in a flow of consciousness right now, I suppose that's what happens when you write a diary when intoxicated. I think I'm like okay looking, I'm not butt fucking ugly and I've fucked people who I'd generally consider to be far outside of my league, so so I don't know why my gut turns every time I see my reflection.

I'd like to update this site to have a much more dynamic layout and some more decorations, but I'm a fucking retard who's incapable of achieving anything I put my mind to so I very much doubt that will come to fruition. C'est la vie. That's all I've got for this one, I'm cunted and need to lay down. I need to abuse substances more, they make me feel just a bit closer to being alive and being okay than I feel when I'm sober. Cheers.

Worked again today, first time leaving the house in 2 days. I hated it. Carhartt did a dogshit job at managing the rotas as per usual so I worked a 9 hour shift because nobody was put onto the open. Class. A 9 hour isn't too bad realistically, I've worked longer shifts, but when the venue is exceptionally quiet the entire time and all I have to do is sit there and wait on the bar it's a bit of a pisstake.

Been thinking a lot about my social circle recently, it's getting smaller and smaller and there's a part of me that hates it but there's also a part of me that is fine with it? It's a weird thought process. On the one hand, there's people I've considered my closest confidants in the world that I have to fight to get a 5 minute conversation with anymore and there's people that have been really really unexpectedly understanding that I've opened up to properly relatively recently. When I was on the verge of committing suicide late last year I told my KM (Hutcherson, giving him a name as he might come up again in future, it's uncertain as he appeears and disappears in my life with no warning) and he managed to talk me down. I feel bad about that I guess since looking back realistically, I wasn't that close to him and I'm still not. Oh well. I've found myself a lot more lustful recently, there's a couple different people I'd like to fuck but I don't really think I can bring myself to get to that point with them. I don't know how people just continue to exist when they experience life, at least based on my perception of life. Either I've had a fucked up but universal existence (I'd like to think not, it brings me peace to think that most people can empathize from experience), or I'm just fucked, and it's just going to continue to get worse.

I don't think about Her all too much anymore, at least not actively. There's still things, don't get me wrong. Walking down the promenade and taking the bus past her old home puts a pit in my stomach rivaled only by Cocytus of Dante's Inferno. But more or less she doesn't occupy my mind. That upsets me I guess, she means a lot to me still but my brain is isolating it to protect me. When I do think about Her, it's never the good things. Many, many hours have been spent reliving our last day together. Me, sitting in silence, while she just packs a bag listening to Her music on my speaker. Her just giving me thing after thing of Her's that she can't bring with Her. It's kinda fucked, when I'm at home I live in the sweatpants that she gave me. Yeah they're comfy but I'm sure it's a fucked level of self inflicted emotional torture I put myself through. Just a little constant reminder of how shit everything has gotten.

I'm going to start to really save up money, only buying a few big things that I want real bad so I can leave money for my mom when I go. The things I have can probably fetch an alright payout if she sold them, but knowing her she'd keep everything. I wish there was some other way out but I really can't see one.

Thanks for reading, whoever you may be, let me know you're out there so I'm not just screaming into the void please. Just. Anything, speak to me. Please. kamipilled@gmail.com

I miss being a recluse. Every second I spend away from my computer and away from my room fills me with more and more dread and nothing is getting better. I want to disappear.

I should have killed myself 4 years ago.

Wow, long time. Things have gotten a lot worse. Nothing's changed I guess but the sinking feeling of everything always being miserable is eating away at me much the same as it did in late December/early January, which is dangerous to say the least. I don't really know where I was the last time I wrote so I'm just going to have a flow of consciousness if that's okay to you.

I'm at work all the time, that hasn't changed I suppose. I think a lot about Her. I cried on my way to work today, not sure why, I just sorta started sobbing silently in my seat on the bus. Luckily, it was mostly empty and I was alone on the second level so I was able to avoid the embarrassment associated with feeling emotions, especially when they're strong enough to ruin the facade of normalcy we all bring ourselves to. I've got a warped sense of superiority about my trauma and suffering. I've lived a life that would bring people to their knees if they got the opportunity to live it themselves, and I feel a sense of pride in this? That's not normal I'm sure.

I hate everything about the life I live, who I am, and so on and so forth. A lot of people react to me saying this by saying "You're the master of your own destiny! Change what you dislike!" but when it's actually everything and not just an exaggeration of saying "I hate everything" in a very emo sense of the statement, it's simply not that easy. I hate the way I look so I change it and I still hate it, am I simply meant to continue to change everything about my frame until there's nothing left of what I consider me? What if that never fixes my body dysmorphia? I hate damn near everyone I consider to be a friend. I hate the fact they wouldn't give me a dollar if it meant I wouldn't starve. I hate that Her left. I hate that I can't replace what I felt for Her in a neverending cycle of sex and substance abuse. The more drugs I do the more I feel broken, and yet in that brief moment, I feel as if things could be okay. I hate that, I hate that so fucking much. Worst of all? I hate that if the child I was could see me now, he'd be scared. There's nothing left of who I was, to such an extent that my childhood memories don't even feel as if they're my own. Every brief moment of happiness, every single slight escape I had from the CSA I experienced, to the daily physical and verbal abuse I experienced at home, no matter where home happened to be. Those don't get to be mine. I struggled for someone else. I get the burden of carrying someone elses trauma. It's driving me fucking insane.

I was building up the courage to finally tell Watermelon how I felt, but now she's seeing that headphone obsessed fat fucking prick who would consistently be a cunt to me every time I served him back when I worked at the Dive. This is only the second worst person that she could be saying for me mentally, if she turned around and said she was seeing BMW after everything that happened between myself, Her, and BMW, I think that would quite genuinely push me over the edge. At least I'm only mildly suicidal every time I see her now. Isn't that a fun twist of fate? Nothing can change, nothing will change, and I think I need to take myself out of the equation for that to change. I can't think of anything else important enough to write so I'm leaving it here. Oh, and if you know me IRL and you click on this in my bio, and are somehow surprised by what you're reading or think it's "cringe", do some critical thinking and realign your moral compass you cunt.

Long day. Worked today, was off yesterday but it was so wildly uneventful that I didn't have anything to write about. I've discovered that the suicidal thoughts, disassociation, etc. only start when past 10pm when I'm working. This isn't really great since our bar closes at 12AM at the earliest. More often than not I end up having a fairly good first half of the shift and come back after my break absolutely miserable and unwilling to talk to anyone for longer than 30 seconds. Morgan is a good exception though, I reckon I could be really good friends with him if I was in a better state. I'm not though. I'm so tired. Not physically, or even really mentally. I find myself talking to myself as a form of therapy as if I was explaining why I am the way I am to someone else. It's really hard to stay positive when I have absolutely nothing to look forward to or leave bed for. But that's neither here nor there I guess.

Finished work today and went to the Dive (my old bar). Some of the Dart crew were there so despite them all being significantly more intoxicated than me, and despite me feeling an extreme sense of distance between myself and them, I still went. They were all very drunk but such is life when you work in a bar I suppose. I didn't drink much but I drank enough to message Her. I don't even really have a solid grasp on what I sadi to Her, but I'm sure she'll see it and hate it. She's on Snapchat but not opening it, which I can't help but feel is a very deliberate decision. I think messaging Her was prompted by seeing Maverick and 11, and Rooftop and Carhart together. I just wanted that. Nothing too major, just something nice and domestic. But alas, I suppose it was not in my cards. I reckon I should do a tarot reading for myself as I'm phenomenally unaware of where my life is going but something needs to change. If you've read this entry and a few of the entries prior you may have noticed I use aliases for the different people I find myself around. Not entirely sure why I do this but it just feels respectable I suppose, I wouldn't love being named by some random autistic kid in an adult's body in their self obsessed internet journal, so I'm sure they wouldn't either.

I'm trying to quit smoking. To help with this, I've bought a vape, like a proper refillable one as opposed to yet another disposable that litters my desk. I'm not sure how well it's going to work for me, but in the long haul it will be extremely cheaper, so that's a plus. I've got one left in my current pack, so I'm going to try to not buy another when I finish it.

Outside of that, not much to say. Started replaying Wasteland 3. Made my character a sniper build because it's my go-to in any RPG. I miss shooting a rifle. Despite having genetic tremors I'm actually a crack shot, though I hate hunting. I'm too empathetic to the animal. Not that I'm vegan or vegetarian, I'm perfectly capable of eating meat that was specifically born and raised to be put on my plate, but I have some form of twisted morality struggle when it comes to the prospect of either killing the animal myself, or killing/eating an animal that was simply living within the wilderness. That's all I've got for this one. Thanks for reading.

Worked today, it wasn't bad I suppose. Largely uneventful the bar was dead. That being said, I was on floor instead of the bar today which was a change of pace. I enjoyed it and said I did so I'm sure I'll never do it again. Watermelon was in drinking as she had finished her shift as I started. I keep telling everyone that I don't have feelings for her anymore, I'm truly uncertain if this is the case. I reckon I do have feelings for her but they're incredibly hopeless and I know that the feelings I have for her aren't the same as the feelings I had for Her. Her was truly something special to me, I don't think I've ever been understood by another person quite the same as I was understood by Her. I don't really know how to carry on without Her. It makes talking to Her really really fucking hard, despite the fact that she's the only person I want to talk to anymore.

I saw that V and Two split up. It makes me feel a tiny bit better about the fact I slept with V when they were still together. I haven't seen Two since they split up so I'm not sure if he's going to kick my ass. It's deserved if he does. That's alright I suppose. I haven't talked to V since we slept together, I'm not sure if it happened because we were both really fucking drunk or if they actually want to be with me. I don't think I want to be with anyone. It's hard to leave bed when I don't need to.

I spent much of today and last night thinking about 2019. I reckon it was the last good year, and the world has been on a steady decline since. I've made a series of terrible decisions that have led me to where I am now and I don't know how to dig myself out. Her tells me that I can do whatever I want to do, I simply don't have the faith in myself to make it happen. Is that not reason enough? Again, uncertain. I think I'd like to leave the United Kingdom. For a while I felt like I belonged and everything made sense. I definitely do not feel that way anymore.

I've got a guestbook now if you're interested in leaving a comment, I'm sure it will sit untouched as nobody but I and Remy have read my posts, possibly Ame, but it's a nice thought. The link is here or on the sidebar. That's all I've really got for today, not many actual formulated thoughts as I spent the majority of it disassociating or daydreaming about a life long gone. I'll try to continue to update daily but I'm not sure how strict I'll stay to that. Cheers.

Today has been incredibly uneventful, although I've played a lot of Spore. It's my second day off from work today but I'm back at it tomorrow. I intended to have a very eventful day today, even fantasized about going into town to get my haircut but these plans have not come to fruition. I accidentally stayed up until 7AM playing games and listening to music with friends from North America which I suppose has led to my inability to do anything except rot infront of my computer monitors today. I do still need to do a load of laundry. What an eventful life I live.

I still don't really have any food to eat in the house so I'm getting Japanese food delivered. The "sushi" part of the title was a bit of a lie. It's takoyami and a ramen bowl, but alliteration works better as a title I reckon. I'm okay now but I'm sure when I'm eating it I'm going to feel quite upset. I've got this terrible habit of doing and saying things that remind me of Her and then experiencing either disassociation or suicidal ideation later when the feeling of abandonment and hopelessness sets in.

I've uploaded some screenshots of my spore shit to my file.garden here and here if you're interested. I'm really happy with how this run is coming out, especially since I've never actually sunk a lot of time into playing the game of spore instead of just fucking around in the creature creator. If you play it as well, you can find my creations on the sporepedia under "dogwarden". I've got some funky dudes, look for Wurble, they're my favourite.

That's all I've really got to talk about today. The whole day has flown by and I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but that's how most of my days off go at this point. Sayonara.

I have a new website now. I don't know html5 coding nearly as well as I used to as a teenager so this is just a template that I've rippped. C'est la vie. I may make adjustments to the site as I own it for longer and longer but as of right now it's going to be as basic as humanly possible.

I'm mostly making this so I can have a webdiary, homepage, and linktree. I don't really need it as I have no online presence but it's nice to have something thats mine I guess.

That's all I suppose. I'll do more later. Au revoir.